Be So Kind To Yourself
I've been kind of quiet lately. I’ve been wading my way through some the toughest muck that life has brought my way. It has felt hopeless at times. It has felt really lonely at times. I’ve shed a lot of tears on the couches of friends and I’ve stayed awake through the middle of the night because sleeping was hard. I feel like I’ve been wearing the wrong prescription of glasses that have made the world seem foggy and unclear and has given me a really bad headache.
You may be thinkings that I’m just being dramatic...but to me this has really been my world. The faith I have in Jesus and my friends have been the only thing to keep me upright. I don’t even know how to begin to thank all the people who have let me be real, who gave me the space I needed to feel all the feels and talk about them even when it made me the most real “Debbie Downer” you’ve ever met. My friends have been constantly reminding me of truth, and filled my tank with love and hope when I felt like everything was being taken away from me, and they never once stopped, even when they had to say it to me like a broken record.
Returning is not easy, life in America hasn’t lived up to all the hype...but you know what I’m learning...it’s ok! One of my friends who I literally haven’t seen in years but we have kept up through instagram sent me a message a couple of weeks ago that has stuck with me. It said: “Be so kind to yourself and give all the space…” BE SO KIND TO YOURSELF….I don’t think until I read that, that I knew I was being unkind to myself...but I was. I told myself in my head constantly to pull it together, to just get over it, to embrace the suck. I don’t think I’ve ever said that to anyone but myself...because that is not KIND. I have felt like I need to be good by now, it’s been almost 4 months, but the truth is it is hard and I have to give myself space to walk through it. God doesn’t expect me to swallow the pain and just get over it and be better the next day. He wants me to take the time and make space to sift through all the feels, all the hurt, all the change, all of it...even if it takes longer than I deemed necessary.
Today I read these words from Rebekah Lyons:
“Here, in the waiting, God gently responds:
I am working on your behalf even now.
In the tension, I hold you.
In the waiting, I walk with you.
In the not-yet, I carry you.
In our waiting, God is working.”
We are all waiting on different things, you may be like me and you just feel like you’re waiting on a simple win, or a promise to be fulfilled, or maybe you are waiting on a child or a friend or a spouse...it all matters the same to God and you know what my people keep reminding me that He is faithful, He will come through, and its true…it really is. There is a purpose and he is still walking beside you even if you’re walking through some really thick muck (like yours truly)!
And yall, I mean it...I have some good news, I have a job now! Actually, I have 2! It’s been a really crazy week but I’m really excited about the flexibility and security they both bring to the table to give me space to still pursue my photography business. If I could have written out my story of returning to the states it would have gone nothing like this...to be honest, but this week I can’t deny the Lord’s provision and for that I am so thankful! I know that better days are ahead (and I don’t just mean my birthday tomorrow) than any that we are leaving in the past. It’s easy to want something we don’t have but it just may be more fun to dream of what you don’t even know!