Feelings of Returning Home
I have been processing a lot lately. I am thankful for the space I have had the last 4 months to just rest and process during this big life transition. It hasn’t been easy, but I knew that coming into it. Something I didn’t expect was to feel so deeply that I should share the process of returning with the world. But I have felt so alone in this journey that I just feel like its my job to speak out to everyone in transition that God has not abandoned you, even if it looks so different than you thought it would.
My life is picking up in pace and I finally have a full calendar and it’s been hard to switch from rest to hustle. Something I’ve learnt during this time of rest though, that I want to keep as my life picks back up is making the time to process my feelings and emotions. I’ve been learning to name them and then change them if they are negative and not from the Lord and then dismiss them from my mind. It’s a practice I’ve been trying to do lately and I feel like it’s making all the difference.
So I decided to share just a few of the big feelings I’ve had in returning home.
Guilt
When I was praying about coming back to America or staying in Thailand the feeling surrounding me was often guilt, so it’s no surprise that guilt has been a big part of processing returning home!
My dear friend once gently reminded me in that season that guilt is not from the lord, that it was in no way a determining factor of God’s will. To do something out of guilt is not what God has called us to. I could see then that the guilt of letting people down, of abandoning relationships and of being perceived as selfish were all little whispers of my sinful flesh trying to deter me from following the voice of the Father.
Now I’ve realized that it looks a little different, that guilt in my life is actually just hidden pride. Feeling like I actually let others down, that people are not going to know Jesus because of my absence, that moving back was selfish. The deceit is real and it’s been really hard to uncover the truth in it. But I’m not powerful enough to hinder someone coming to know Jesus, me leaving probably in fact opened up even more doors for the people I love there to do better ministry and to have better relationships with each other. Its weird to say, because it kind of hurts, but in reality, I know it’s true. I’ve decided to take the guilt and replace it with kindness, not to others but to myself.
Disappointment
This one is real y’all. The disappointment I have faced this year is real, and it’s been real hard to face, and it keeps coming at me: Jobs I wanted passed by, friendship expectations I had fell short, my apartment situation is fine but not what I had wanted, the loneliness of being surrounded by people you love, yet still feeling so alone, the relationship I had that just vanished, not booking weddings and photo shoots like I had hoped, and so much more.
Disappointment has surrounded my heart and its probably been the biggest obstacle in my walk with Jesus. Lately, I have felt like He let me down, that He lured and tricked me into doing something that would just wreck my heart. I had so many expectations of what it was going to be like when I came back and every single one of them was false.
But as I sit here 4 months later, I’m finally starting to see that my plans kinda sucked, that God’s plans, though very painful, have actually brought me closer to Him. He did this once before when I left America and moved to Thailand. He took away everything, he stripped away all the things that I held dearer than Him and he showed me how to fully rely on him. Same story but now He’s taken everything I wanted and replaced it with a deep desire to just be with Him! In a couple of months I’ll probably stand from the mountaintop and say it was all worth it, but I’m not going to lie, it’s still hard not to be overcome by disappointment. I’ve decided when I feel let down or disappointed to change it to satisfaction. In that moment I can sit down and just be fully satisfied in Christ, not in my circumstances, the disappointment lifts, if only for a moment. Now its not magic, but training my mind to take that disappointment every time it enters and think about being satisfied in Christ is slowly healing my heart.
Doubt
Another feeling that has been hard to process during this transition is doubt. I can sit around all day and think because of all the disappointment and guilt that just maybe I was wrong. Maybe God wasn’t calling me back to Anderson, maybe it was somewhere else, maybe I wasn’t even supposed to leave. I go down this deep rabbit hole and begin to really believe the doubt. It’s actually really easy to do...but I know the truth. The truth is that even though it’s been so hard, this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m called to trust the Lord and follow his path...and when I walk in obedience to what I feel like he is calling me to do, doubt has no place. People can question me all day long, but I know my Jesus and I know what he spoke to me and I have to choose to believe that HE WILL FULFILL HIS PROMISES TO ME! So doubt has no place in my heart and I know that.
“Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.”
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
So take heart friend, there is still hope, God is not done yet! I believe it with my whole heart that He is not going to forsake me now, he never has and he never will. There is more!