Bravery
I can remember just about every time someone has ever called me brave.
The word just seems to stick to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve never really felt like I was brave. Maybe it’s because I deep down inside really want to be brave. I’m not sure, but I’ve been thinking about the word a lot lately and I think I’ve gotten it all wrong.
I’ve always thought Abraham, Moses, Noah, David, Esther, Peter, they were all brave, but me no, I’ve always just been afraid. The further I look into it the more I see that bravery really isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the boldness to trust in God when it just doesn’t make much sense.
Noah built an ark when it had probably never rained because God told him a flood was coming. People thought he was INSANE. But that’s just it, doing the thing God calls you to do, even if people don’t understand and think you’re a little bit crazy...THAT’S BRAVERY.
Someone once told me I was brave for leaving Thailand and coming back to South Carolina and honestly it felt a little silly. Moving to Thailand was brave but Anderson, SC...nope. From the outside it does seem kind of crazy, why would I leave the “cool life” in Thailand for all this, the doubts, the ridicule, the people who just think I’m a little bit crazy for staying when nothing seems to be working out. But I get it now, it is brave not because it’s a big adventure that people want to join in on, but because it’s the opposite.
Sometimes God calls us to live a big life full of adventure and it requires reckless abandonment, and sometimes God calls us to live small lives, in a small town and it requires reckless abandonment. God didn’t promise us rainbows and butterflies or pay checks and husbands, He promises us that He will be with us ALWAYS and all He wants us to do is to be brave and trust Him, even when it doesn’t turn out like we hoped...plus in those times, thats when it requires the most bravery.
As these months have gone by, I keep finding myself searching for the words to say in this space and I’ve honestly written countless blogs but haven’t been able to publish them. I was letting the fear of being seen as a failure keep me from it, because honestly I wish my story was different. I wish I could write to you all and say that I’ve found my way back in America, that it finally feels like home again, but I still can’t do that. But I know that God has not left me in this place, I know that He’s doing something even when I can’t see it. So as I fight for truth day by day I know that the Lord is calling me to take a little step of Bravery and share my heart, even if it makes me seem a little crazy.