6 Months & an Identity Crisis
Its been 6 months in Thailand...6 months. Time has flow by. I still feel like I'm new here and i still feel like I'm adjusting and learning so much. Yet it feels like i've been here forever. I have deep friendships that I feel like i've known them for forever.
These past 6 months i have learned so much about God and have grown more than ever into a deeper understanding of who God is. God literally stripped away everything that I was comfortable with to show me his love for me.
So for a little life update....I got a tattoo right before I moved here on my forearm...shocker I know, it says "beloved" in a beautiful handwritten font by my friend Jessi. I got this tattoo because "beloved" has become a word that has resonated with my soul deeply for awhile now, because its who I am in christ. The story I love the most is that when Jesus was baptised God spoke from heaven and said, "You are my beloved son; with you I am well pleased". I love this because this was before Jesus began his ministry and it reminds me that before I do anything God calls me beloved too and it has nothing to do with what I do, its because of who he is.
I had no idea how much more this would mean to me as i came to Thailand. The lord has continually shown me over and over things that I have put my identity in besides him and has taken it all away in order to draw me closer to him. Just last week I was struggling with feeling like I was pulling away from the community and relationships that I have invested in because they are leaving. (SIDE NOTE: Its a season where all the staff had to decided if they would be coming back next year or not and its been such an interesting process.) But a dear friend of mine reminded me to get it together because my identity does not come from my friends, or my job, or the community I came from, no my identity is solely this..."You are beloved" how crazy that I still forget this even when its forever written on my body. Why is it still a struggle to get it inscribed on my heart! God calling me "beloved" that is something worth putting my identity in, that is worth it all because it is a foundation that will not fail, all the other things I tend to put my identity in like: relationships, community, my titles, dreams I had for myself, my past...all those things aren't bad but God wants me to rest in the fact that I am "beloved" and so are you.
Many people are staying but most people i have gotten close to these past 6 months are leaving. It is hard to live in such a transit community (and it hasn't even changed yet) and I have realised that my identity was subtly placed in those people and the relationships I had with them that when God has called them to move on and go somewhere else my first reaction is fear, insecurity and rejection. God isn't rejecting me though, he is calling them to do something else but because I had placed my identity in something other than Him it made me sad and they haven't even left yet but it was so evident. I am thankful for God's grace and realised that i can't just say my identity is in God I have to choose to put it there every moment of every day other wise something so subtle and even good will creep in and try to take that place in my heart!
Psalm 62:5 " For God alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him."
PS...Oh and if you are wondering...I signed to stay for another year in Thailand! :)
This past month included....a lot of subbing, and real life undocumented! These are a few notes worth sharing!
I went to a Thai Wedding and got to dress up in Traditional Thai Clothes!
I taught my friend Pat and the other youth kids how to bake a cake before she moved to Chaing Rai!
My friend Sally and I finally got all of our immigration paper work and visas situated.